You're Kidding
by suzie2b
Summary: A goat and two privates. What more can I say?


**Disclaimer: **_**The Rat Patrol**_** is not my property. They come out to play sometimes, then I send them home.**

**You're Kidding**

**By Suzie2b**

**The Rat Patrol was on base at al-Yaman after completing a recent assignment. The base commander, Major Kingstone, gave them time off while they waited to hear from Captain Boggs.**

**#################**

**Hitch chewed his gum and blew a bubble as he put the key in the door of the quarters he was sharing with Troy, Moffitt, and Tully. He opened the door and saw Tully quickly spin around to face him. Hitch smiled and said, "Hi, Tully."**

**His friend gave him a halfhearted smile as he put his hands behind him. "Oh, um, yeah … hi, Hitch. What're you doing here?"**

**Hitch chuckled. "For the time being I live here." He tilted his head to one side slightly as he noticed the look on Tully's face. "What did you do?"**

**Tully kept his hands behind his back as he said, "What? Everything's fine."**

"**No, you've got that 'look'. What are you trying to hide?"**

"**Nothing…" There was a sudden "Baaaa" and Tully grimaced.**

**Hitch stepped forward. "What in the…" He gently pushed his friend aside to see a goat standing on the bunk. "Tully, there's a goat on your bed."**

**Tully swallowed nervously. "Yep."**

**Hitch turned to him with an incredulous look on his face. "Why is there a goat on your bed?"**

"**Well…"**

**#################**

**Troy and Moffitt had just finished lunch and were having a friendly conversation over coffee when the head cook stormed out of the kitchen into the main dining area of the mess hall. He yelled angrily, "All right! I'm only going to say this once!" The room went silent. "If I don't see a goat in that pen behind the kitchen within twenty-four hours, I'll see to it that everyone on this base suffers for it!"**

**Moffitt's brows went up as he asked, "Excuse me, but why would you have a goat?"**

"**It's for General Scott's dinner party when he arrives. Apparently he's discovered he likes kid's meat." Then the cook turned and stomped back into the kitchen.**

**Moffitt looked at Troy. "Who would steal a goat?"**

**Troy said, "Probably one of the locals." He stood up. "Well, I'm heading back to our quarters. I see an opportunity for a nap and I'm going to take it."**

**Moffitt smiled. "I'll join you. I've got a book I've been looking forward to starting."**

**#################**

**Troy reached for the doorknob when he heard "Baaaa" come from inside their quarters. He glanced at Moffitt, then pushed the door open.**

**Hitch and Tully both spun around to face the sergeants with eyes wide and guilty looks as they stood shoulder to shoulder.**

**Troy asked, "What's going on in here?"**

**Tully quickly said, "Nothing, sarge!"**

**Hitch shook his head. "Not a thing!"**

"**Baaaa!"**

**Troy frowned as he walked across the room. "What in the heck…" He pushed the two privates apart and found himself looking at a floppy eared, black and white baby goat.**

"**Baa Baaaa!"**

**Moffitt quickly closed the door and joined the others. "You stole a goat?"**

**Troy growled, "I can't believe you two took the general's goat!"**

**Tully said, "Hitch had nothin' to do with it, sarge. I was on my own."**

"**Why?"**

**Tully sighed. "I was in the mess hall having lunch. I overheard some guys talkin' about the goat the cook was keepin' in a pen outside the kitchen. I went to have a look and…" He pointed to the kid and said, "He was there all by himself. Someone came outta the kitchen while I was scratchin' his head and told me not to get too friendly because he was going to be dinner in a few days."**

**Troy took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then said, "So you took it upon yourself to just take it?"**

"**I'm sorry, sarge. I didn't think…"**

"**That's apparent!"**

**Moffitt looked from the goat to Tully with a slight smile. "He is kind of cute."**

"**Baaaa!"**

**Troy snarled, "Don't encourage him!"**

**Moffitt knowingly asked, "What did you name him?"**

**Tully said quietly, "Pan."**

**Moffitt gave an approving nod. "After the mythological Greek god."**

"**Yeah, it seemed right."**

"**Baa! Baaaa!"**

**Troy glared at Moffitt and said, "Well, he's going back … now!"**

**Tully argued, "But, sarge. He's barely old enough to be away from his momma's milk. The thought of some general having him for dinner makes me sick."**

"**What were you planning to do with him?"**

"**There's got to be a goat herd in the Arab quarter. I was thinkin' of giving him to them. At least give him a chance to grow up."**

**Moffitt said, "Troy's right, you know. You're going to have to take Pan back to the mess hall. Besides, the cook will just go and get another goat for the general's dinner party."**

**Tully shook his head. "I don't think so. I heard someone say that Pan is a special kind of goat from South Africa."**

**Troy sighed. "All right, that's enough. I order you to return that goat, Tully."**

"**Baaaa!"**

**Tully moaned, "But, sarge…"**

**Troy growled, "No, now get going." He looked at Hitch. "You go with him to make sure he does it."**

**Hitch, who had remained silent during the confrontation, said, "Right, sarge. Let's go, Tully."**

**#################**

**Tully carried Pan as he and Hitch left the barracks. Outside Tully took a left and Hitch said, "The mess hall's the other way."**

**Tully kept walking. "That's why I'm goin' this way."**

**Hitch hurried to catch up. "But sarge said to return the goat. In fact he ordered it."**

**Tully ducked into an alley. "But he didn't specify where I should return him and he didn't mention Pan by name to be returned. Take your belt off."**

**Without thinking Hitch complied and handed his belt to his friend. "You're taking a big risk, Tully."**

**He took the belt and set Pan on the ground, trapping him between his knees. Then Tully fashioned a lead and slipped it over the little goat's head. "You don't have to come, Hitch. In fact, it'd be better for you if you didn't. Just tell sarge you lost me in the crowd."**

**Hitch frowned. "No, I'll stay with you."**

"**Why?"**

"**Because you're my friend. Besides, when was the last time you got into trouble without me?"**

**Tully smiled. "Okay, let's try to do this without getting caught."**

**Pan thought this was great fun as he pulled on his lead and kicked up his little goat feet. "Baa Baaaa!"**

**#################**

**After the privates left their quarters, Moffitt went to the window while Troy sat down on his bunk. He watched as Hitch and Tully exited the building with the goat and turn left. "They aren't going to the mess hall."**

**Troy stood and hurried to the window in time to see his two men walking away. "I ordered him to return that goat!"**

"**Perhaps you should have been more specific."**

**Troy glared at his fellow sergeant. "I'm going to kill him!"**

**Moffitt bit back a smile. "What about Hitch?"**

"**Oh, I won't kill him. I'll just see to it that he's court-martialed."**

**They rushed down the stairs and outside, but by then Hitch and Tully had disappeared.**

**Moffitt said, "Tully did say he was planning to give Pan to a goat herder."**

**Troy gave a nod. "Let's see if we can find them."**

**#################**

**Hitch and Tully stayed in the back alleys, making sure no one in the military saw them. It was a close call more than once. As they waited for opportunities to cross into another alley, Pan would voice his opinion with a loud, "Baaaa!" Making people turn curiously. Another time Pan got away and went dancing down the alleyway with Hitch and Tully chasing him. Hitch managed to grab the lead just in time.**

**Once they were in the Arab quarter, there was no reason to hide. However, the locals were amused by the trio as they headed through town to where they hoped the goats were.**

**Hitch and Tully finally located the goats and the herder. They managed, with the man's young son as translator, to explain what they needed. The herder crouched down and examined Pan with a smile. He looked up at his son and said something that was translated to, "Father says he is a fine goat and wishes to buy him. He will make a good breeding animal."**

**Tully smiled and said, "That's great, but I don't want to sell him. I'd like to trade him for a different goat. An older one."**

**The herder's son explained this to his father, who was a bit confused, but shrugged and led them to a small pen that was separate from the rest of the herd. He said something to his son, who told Hitch and Tully, "These three goats are no longer used to increase the herd or for milk. They will be used to feed our family. Father says you can have any one of them."**

**Tully grinned as he reached down to remove the lead from Pan. "That's just what I need." The boy took charge of the little goat and Tully handed Hitch his belt. He then pointed to one of the three goats and the herder retrieved the animal. A length of rope was tied around the goat's neck and the two privates were on their way with one final "Baa Baaaa!" from Pan.**

**#################**

**Once Troy and Moffitt were in the Arab quarter, Moffitt stopped someone and asked where they could find a herd of goats. The man looked at him like he was crazy, but pointed and explained where to go.**

**As the sergeants hurried through town, Troy caught sight of his two errant men. "There they are."**

**Moffitt followed Troy through the crowded street. When Hitch and Tully saw them, they stopped in their tracks, knowing they were in a whole bunch of trouble.**

**Troy pushed a finger into Tully's chest and growled quietly, "I ordered you to take that goat back to the mess hall!"**

**Tully said, "Sarge, I can explain…"**

"**You went against a direct order from a superior!" Troy looked at Hitch and said, "And you were supposed to see to it that the goat was returned!"**

**Hitch said, "Sarge, he can explain…"**

"**Baaaa!"**

**Troy looked down at the goat and said, "What in the heck are you doing with another goat?"**

**Tully quickly said, "I…"**

**Hitch interjected, "We…"**

"**We found a herd of goats and the herder agreed to trade Pan for this one. Since this one was going to be slaughtered anyway to feed the family, I was thinking that I could put it in the pen at the mess hall."**

**Moffitt pointed out the obvious. "Pan's a black and white kid. This one's a brown and white adult. I think the cook will notice the difference."**

**Tully said, "To be honest, I don't think that cook will care as long as he has goat meat for that general."**

**Hitch added, "And the way the meals taste around here I doubt anyone's going to be able to tell it's a kid or not."**

**Moffitt smiled a bit. "I must say, he has a point there."**

"**Baaaa!"**

**Troy took a deep breath and let it our slowly as he scrubbed his palms over his face. "Okay, all we can do is try." He pointed to both privates and said, "But you two aren't out of the woods yet. You have to deal with me next."**

**#################**

**Together they left the Arab quarter with the goat and walked straight through to the mess hall. People on base stared curiously and made comments as they laughed at the scene.**

**At the mess hall, Troy said, "All right, Tully. You and Hitch take the goat around back to the pen. Moffitt and I will talk to the cook."**

**Hitch and Tully walked around to the back of the mess hall. Tully lifted the goat over the low wire fence and removed the rope. He was coiling it up when Troy and Moffitt appeared with the cook.**

**The cook looked at the privates and said, "So you decided to do the right thing and return General Scott's dinner. I should have you both court-martialed."**

**Troy said, "I'll take care of their punishment."**

**Moffitt mentioned, "As we said, it's a different goat…"**

**The cook said, "Yeah, I can see that. I've still got a few days to fatten him up though."**

"**I thought you said the general preferred kid?"**

"**That's what I was told, but once it's in a stew, no one's going to know the difference."**

**Hitch nodded. "That's what I thought."**

**Troy glared at the private and Hitch chose to look at his feet silently. "So, we're good here?"**

**The cook said, "As long as you're going to take care of the punishment for these two, we're good."**

**#################**

**The walk back to their quarters was silent and foreboding. The privates trailed behind their sergeants as if following them to a firing squad.**

**Troy opened the door and the other three went inside. Once he was in, Troy slammed the door shut. Hitch and Tully sat down on one of the bunks as Moffitt sat at the small table.**

**Troy began to pace the room. "What were you thinking, Tully? Not only did you steal the goat, you stole the goat that was meant for a visiting three-star general's dinner."**

**Tully said dejectedly, "Sorry, sarge."**

"**Sorry doesn't cut it. I understand 'why' you did it, but that doesn't make it right. And both of you disobeyed direct orders. Hitch, I told you to make sure Tully got back to the mess hall with that goat. Why didn't you see to it that it happened?"**

**Hitch shrugged, not willing to look the sergeant in the eye. "Once Tully gets something in his head, he's going to do it no matter what. I just thought it would be better if I stayed with him."**

**Tully said, "I told him it would be better if he didn't come along."**

**Troy looked at Hitch. "You should've listened to him." He stared at his men with a sigh, then said, "What am I going to do with you two? I can't just ignore this. There has to be a punishment."**

**Moffitt said, "I have an idea about that, Troy."**

"**What kind of idea?"**

"**Let's go talk to Major Kingstone. I'll explain on the way. If he agrees, Tully and Hitch can start first thing tomorrow after breakfast."**

**##################**

**The next morning Troy, Moffitt, Hitch, and Tully ate a silent breakfast together. The planned punishment had not yet been discussed between them.**

**Finally, Troy said, "This is what's going to happen. Moffitt and I are going to walk you two over to the men's barracks. You both will clean each room ceiling to floor. That includes the hallways and bathrooms."**

**Hitch and Tully looked at each other, then nodded their agreement – it wasn't like they had a choice.**

**Then Moffitt said, "We explained what happened to Major Kingstone and he was completely in favor of this idea and suggested washing laundry be part of the punishment."**

**The privates' shoulders slumped impossibly farther.**

**Troy added, "If you two finish the barracks before we have another assignment, you're to report for laundry detail."**

**Hitch and Tully said in quiet unison, "Right, sarge."**

**The rest of the day found the privates wearing aprons as they swept and scrubbed their way through the barracks with only a quick break when lunch was brought to them by Troy and Moffitt. To add insult to injury, Troy had guards placed at the entrances of the building.**

**##################**

**After each floor of the two-story barracks was finished, it was inspected by Major Kingstone himself. If he found even the smallest smear or missed dust mote, the major made them redo everything in the offending room.**

**By the time Hitch and Tully were finally finished, it was late and they were exhausted. They skipped dinner and went straight to their quarters.**

**When they walked in, Troy and Moffitt were playing cards. Moffitt asked, "All finished?"**

**Hitch replied tiredly, "The major was finally satisfied and let us go."**

**Troy scowled as he said, "Don't forget. You've got laundry to do tomorrow."**

**The privates simply nodded.**

"**It's early yet. Care to join us?"**

**Tully sat down on his bunk and started to untie his boots. "No thanks. I just wanna go to sleep."**

**Hitch nodded. "Me too."**

**The privates undressed to their boxers and crawled gratefully under the covers with soft groans.**

**It was no time at all before Troy and Moffitt heard the soft snores of their exhausted men.**

**Moffitt shuffled the cards and smiled as he asked, "When are you going to tell them they aren't on laundry duty after all?"**

**Troy chuckled softly. "I think after breakfast will be soon enough."**


End file.
